Darkness

“While on our journey, life can sometimes get bleak. Dark moments may envelop us. Often these moments come at the deepest period of working things out. Sometimes these moments are brief; sometimes they last a long time. But usually they are necessary.” – taken from Melody Beattie’s Journey to the Heart

“What is concerning you most in your life right now?” – Random grad school peer during a mock therapy session.

Me: “I am most afraid of being any less happy than I am right now.”

(Blank stare followed by confusion)

Ah yes, back in 2014 I was flying high on the coat tails of life. I had just returned from a life-altering trip to California to visit old friends and had begun my graduate educational program here in Boston. I woke up each day feeling invigorated, motivated, and happy. I was excited to take on each challenge that life threw my way with a smile and a positive attitude. I felt like I was on top of the world … I felt free. And then it set it, my extreme fear of my new found happiness slipping through my fingertips.

Let me back up a bit here: as you may have read in prior posts 2013 was quite literally the worst year of my life. Each obstacle I overcame was followed by an even deeper, more emotional experience; every time I felt as though I had tackled one hurtle another one was strategically put in my way. I felt beaten down and useless. I felt emotionally exhausted and unmotivated. I robotically attended to the expectations of my life and crashed under my covers the second I got home. I was undoubtedly in the darkest space I had ever been during my twenty seven years of life.

Despite my shortcomings I continued to persevere and eventually the darkness began to lift. I started to experience amounts of joy in small doses, I found humor again and began to cry tears of laughter instead of sorrow. I moved forward and continued on to become the best version of myself. Looking back I could resent my difficult time however, it has been much more therapeutic for me to reflect on that time with a new perspective and appreciation.

In hindsight I realize how important this dark time was for my continued growth and momentum. I had been stagnant in a life that I hated without even realizing it; after a while my depression became my new baseline, my normal, my every day state. I was powerless to this new standard of life until I experienced emotionally triggering situations that forced me to self-reflect and truly decide what kind of person I wanted to be.

It is amazing to think that humans experience physical pain and it evokes action, yet the natural response to emotional pain is so different – often perceived “negative” emotions are stigmatized by society and categorized as “weak.” This destructive line of thinking creates a level of shame that forces us to hide or suppress natural feelings as they arise. I learned that darkness is a perceptual experience - once I overcame my dark phase the lightness in my life felt so sweet because I was able to truly appreciate it for what it was; this self-reflection gave me closure, peace of heart, and a new outlook. I had been motionless and checked out of my life for so many years and this difficult time helped me to find a new meaning to my life. For me, it helped to verbalize my emotions and outwardly problem solve as opposed to suffering in silence like I had been doing for so long. Self-expression is a powerful tool in the healing process.

I encourage you to stop categorizing emotions as positive or negative and look at them instead as feedback … as the body’s means of communication. Darkness cannot exist on its own; each individual has the power to amplify or smother invasive emotions as they surface. An important component to emotional intelligence is fully experiencing each emotion, allowing space to understand its value, while also making a commitment to let it go without attachment.